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Smug Married: the snoring effect

By admin on July 12th, 2007 4 comments

me.jpgKeris Stainton‘s weekly column on married life…

Last night I dreamed I was being attacked by bees. Buzzzzzzzzzzz. Buzzzzzzzzzzz. Buzzzzzzzzzzz.

They kept on coming, dive-bombing me, seemingly furious and desperate to get me. I flailed about to get away from them and then one smacked me right in the face and I woke up. And yet…

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I could still hear the buzzing.

It was David snoring. The thing about snoring – when David does it, I mean; I’m sure it’s not half as annoying when I do it – is that by the time it’s woken me up, it’s already annoyed the hell out of my subconscious, so once I become consciously aware of it I’m abso-bloody-lutely furious.

Last night, when I realised the bees were actually David’s sinuses, my first thought was, “I’ll kill you while you sleep.” I shoved him, he grunted, I dozed again. The snoring woke me up. “I’ll smother you with your pillow!” I shoved him again, he grunted, I shoved harder, he grunted, I gave him an almighty two-handed shove while hissing, “Roll over! You’re snoring!” “God’s sake,” he whined. But he rolled.

David’s snoring isn’t actually that bad. Most nights he doesn’t snore at all. He only snores when he’s got a cold, is especially tired or when he’s drunk. In fact, he’s started sleeping downstairs on the sofa bed after he’s been out on the beers, because his drunken snorings are even more annoying than his sober ones (and he’s not quite so receptive to rolling over).

Since he generally only snores when he’s lying on his back, fastening a golf ball into the back of his t-shirt seems to work, although he’s prone to sneaking it out and hoping I won’t notice (and the golf ball, boom boom!).

You know the romance has gone out of your relationship when the prospect of more snoring makes you contemplate separate beds … in separate rooms … but we’re at the stage now where we just want a good night’s sleep! Thankfully, neither of us snores enough to move out yet, but we can see it in our future. Who knew?

Keris co-edits Shiny Media’s fabulous women’s fiction blog, Trashionista and contributes to TV Scoop, The Bag Lady and DollyMix. Her own snoring’s cute. Like a piglet.

  • maz

    I have to say it – but what law is it exactly that says you have to share a bed on a permanent basis? The occasional separating for a good night’s sleep surely doesn’t mean anyone’s headed for the divorce courts? More likely headed for a better relationship. I know these things!

  • Blake K

    If it’s really loud, he may have sleep apnea. My DH has that something bad, and you couldn’t sleep next to him, period. He got a special (CPAP?) machine, though, and now we can sleep in the same bed, and better yet, he gets oxygen throughout the night — which he didn’t before because of the snoring.

  • This is a common problem with couples, and ultimately it depends – some would rather not have the separate bedrooms and find ways to work around it (trying breathe-right strips and allergy medications to alleviate clogged nasal passages, etc.), while others go so far as to have home builders build them a dual bedroom master suite with one shared bath (this was the subject of NYTimes article a while back).

    The thing to monitor is whether your spouse starts making choking noises in the night, or feels unrested during the day– Blake is right, that could be apnea. But snoring without apnea is also very common. If that’s the case, separate bedrooms for sleep may not be the worst idea.

  • Thinking of getting another bedroom! what about your love life? You know about sleep apnea and you ve experienced snoring when he is drunk. Snoring is not just about the sound it can have many more bad effects to snorer’s health. But all this can be cured and that too permanently without any harmful pills, sprays or fancy equipment.

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