Keris Stainton‘s fortnightly column on married life…
I’ve been thinking about celebrity crushes. Not just because I’m enjoying a doozy of one at the minute (thanks to a dream – ever dream about someone and wake up madly in love with them?), but because I recently read somewhere (sorry, can’t remember where) that thinking about having an affair is as bad as actually having one. Um. I disagree.
But then I would, since I’m almost always thinking of having it away with some celebrity or other (not literally having it away with them – sometimes we’re walking hand in hand in New York or appearing on Lorraine Kelly to tell her of our love or … never mind). I know that’s not as bad as, I don’t know, fantasising about your husband’s best mate or something (not that I do that… I’m just saying), but if infidelity can take place entirely in your imagination then I should have a scarlet A on my forehead.
I find it essential to have a celebrity crush on the go. In fact, not just one. Remember the episode of Friends in which Ross and Rachel make lists of the five celebrities they’d be allowed to sleep with, given the opportunity? I’ve got one of those. Of course I have.
There’d be no point in laminating mine like Ross did since it changes on an almost weekly basis. Actually, the whole thing doesn’t change – George Clooney and Bradley Whitford (Josh from The West Wing) have been on it for years – but the other three could be anyone from Nick Knowles to Justin Hawkins from The Darkness to John Oliver from The Daily Show (my current imaginary squeeze).
And it’s not just me. No, David’s no stranger to fancying celebrities, but he’s extremely fickle. In the 13 years we’ve been together he’s had, at various times, a thing for Winona Ryder, Scarlett Johansson, Kirsten Dunst, Nicole Kidman, Sandra Bullock, and more … but once the crush has worn off he no longer has any interest in them whatsoever. In fact, he becomes irritated by them, as if he’s annoyed with himself for falling prey to their charms in the first place.
In contrast, my former crushes are a) always likely to reassert their crush status at any time; and b) like real exes – I like to keep tabs on them, see what they’re up to, how they’re getting on, who they’re dating, etc.
For the purposes of this column, I asked David to come up with a current five. “Ohhh,” he said. “There’s no-one. Except you, dear.” Once I’d finished laughing, I insisted on a list and, five minutes later, he passed me a post-it note with nine – nine! – names scrawled on it. The top 5: Lucy Liemann, Daisy Haggard, Karen Taylor, Jasmine Harman, Freema Agyeman.
Heard of any of them? The first three are comic actresses/comedians, which I like. Proves he’s goes for personality as much as looks. The fourth is the presenter of A Place in the Sun and he’s more interested in her physical attributes than her personality (though she seems like a nice woman) and fifth is Martha from Dr Who. I can’t argue with that. You’ll also notice that they’re all British. Remember Ross leaving Isabella Rossellini off his list because she’s “too international”? David’s not going to have that problem.
Is it infidelity? I don’t think so. Am I jealous of any of David’s chosen five? Well, yes, Freema, but only because she got to snog David Tennant, who was on my list for about three months last year.