Our monthly column from author Lucy Diamond, who is marrying the father of her three children this August…

I had my first getting-married nightmare last week. A proper terrifying, wake-up-with-your-heart-pounding nightmare. In it, I was standing with my lovely partner, about to be married in front of all our guests. Then I looked down at myself and realised I was wearing… the most hideous blue floral maternity smock with enormous lacy Peter Pan collars. “I forgot to buy a wedding dress!” I screamed in horror.

Don’t laugh – it was awful! My hair was all greasy too, and – this shows you how tragic I am – in my dream, I was thinking, Oh God, I’m going to look such a sight in the wedding photos, I’ll have to be snipped out of them all, this is a total disaster!

“I’ve been so busy looking after the kids and getting everything ready, I can’t believe I forgot my own dress,” I wailed to my partner. “You’ll have to give me an hour – someone call a taxi! – I’ve got to buy a wedding dress and wash my hair right now!”

And then I woke up, feeling really REALLY stressed out. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something… maybe it’s time to start dress-shopping?

The thing is, since January, I’ve been torturing myself with the Wedding Dress Action Plan which, in a nutshell, has involved going to the gym three times a week and not eating any bread. I’ll wait until I’m really slinky and sylph-like before I try on dresses, I decided. Unfortunately, three months on, I’m still waiting. Sigh.

Maybe it’s time to bite the bullet and accept that there will be no miraculous goddess-like transformation. Maybe it’s time to hit the dress shops before all the other summer brides snap up the remaining stock. Because I really REALLY don’t want to leave it too late and find that the only dress left on the racks is a scary blue floral maternity smock with big collars…

Any Way You Want Me by Lucy Diamond is published by Pan Macmillan (read Trashionista’s review)

Related: Lucy’s previous blogs – January | February | March