Here in the office, we’re horribly addicted to the website STFU Marrieds; a blog that showcases the worst examples of facebook overshare, all apparently originating with real-life married couples. The site certainly makes very funny (if uncomfortable) reading, as anyone – married or otherwise – who prefers to keep their foreplay to the bedroom will no doubt agree.
Of course, being married doesn’t have to mean being smug, and it’s a bit unfair that the site only targets married couples. But we’ve all met people who let the side down and there’s no doubt that the couples quoted on STFU give the institution a very bad name: whether it’s loved-up messages verging on ‘sex talk’ or drawn-out, public arguments, you’ll be shouting ‘take it to email!’ before you’ve scrolled to the bottom of the first page.
Got a niggling doubt that in a moment of lovesick haze you might have done something similar? Follow the jump for a few tips on how to use facebook without causing nausea
So you’ve done the deed, and you’ve changed your facebook status to ‘married’. Congratulations! Now it’s time to live your 21st century married life in an internet-friendly way with only the information that needs to be there on display. Here’s a few hints:
Rule 1: No nicknames
I have a nickname for my partner, and he has one for me. This isn’t an essential part of a relationship by any means but it’s nice, and it’s something we share between ourselves.
Did you get that last bit? Between yourselves. That’s the crucial part. Pet names, like bodily fluids, are something that YOU share as a couple, but to the rest of the world they’re pretty disgusting. They might occasionally slip out in public (and I hope I’m stretching the metaphor a bit far here!) but they definitely don’t need to be broadcast on the internet.
Rule 2: Take it to email
Of all the ways I can think of to get a message to my other half, “facebook status” would probably rank pretty low, somewhere along with telepathy and carrier pigeon. Emailing is a pretty good choice though, as is texting, calling or instant messanger.
Those are four pretty solid reasons why there’s no excuse for conducting conversations in public forums unless you actually want your friends to think that love has stripped you of all dignity.
Rule 3: No blurry pictures of engagement rings
Facebook is littered with bragging women giving their single friends the fourth finger, and for some reason – perhaps the emotion of it all – camera skills seem to go out of the window where these images are concerned. As one reader commented: “It’s like a blurry ultrasound picture. What am I supposed to say: ‘I can see the outline of yer ring, and it looks real big! Congrats!'”
If wearing the ring isn’t proof enough that it’s serious, make sure yuo get a high quality picture of your new bling, showing its sparkly qualities for what they are. And by all means add it to your album…but making it your profile pic is a little tragic.
Rule 4: What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom
I don’t even need to dignify this one with an explanation…but if you write x-rated status updates detailing things that anyone outside your marriage should never witness (or anything beginning with ‘hey sexy!’, be prepared for ridicule.
Rule 5: Down with countdowns
The number of months, weeks and days till your wedding may well be etched on your mind, and in fact that’s pretty normal. Displaying this information in a public countdown running from engagement till the big day, however, is deranged. At the very least, least keep up a front of having other concerns in your life, people!
Rule 6: If it all goes wrong…
My grandmother always said that ‘after madness comes sadness’, so it’s no surprise that many of the smugest culprits on STFU wind up having the worst arguments – also in public. This one is a corker. Can you imagine how that couple will feel next time they hook up with friends? It’s hardly going to leave you with a warm and fuzzy feeling in your heart, so please don’t do it!
When all’s said and done, the only people that should really be heavily affected by your relationship are you, your partner and perhaps your immediate family. Don’t feel pressurised to ‘compete’ in the whirlwind of one-upmanship that social media can incite, and remember that it’s what you say to each other in private that counts!